I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
