i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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