tell your sister to shave her snatch
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
