the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
