I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
