me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
