It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
