rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Who died my cat blue again?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
