Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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