I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
3pm strippers are depressing
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
