u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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