i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.