my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
