Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The power of my boobs compel you
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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