He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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