I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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