I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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