I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
