I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
