:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
