I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
