Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
