i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Randomize
