So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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