This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
