That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
