I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Fuck appropriateness.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How does it feel to date your dad?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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