You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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