I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
