I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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