If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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