I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
