Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
