do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
