I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
