you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
