Don't make out with my wife yet
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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