Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
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Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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