brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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