it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
