and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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