Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
