my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
