We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
