You can't special order awesome
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He passed out mid-signature
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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