I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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