How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
