You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
