sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
