Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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