apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
two words...techno handjob
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
