do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
