this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just pee around me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
