and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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