i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
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