i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I need to stop coming to work sober
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
