I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
