pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
