i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
